


Peace But Full of Regret

by Anonymous



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Derealization, Gen, Guilt, One Shot, Reflection, Regret, Self-Hatred, i've never written on ao3 before so bare with me while i figure this out, no beta i hardly even know what that is :|, only slightly tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-14 13:47:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28796394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Tommy is feeling guilty after L'manberg is blown up for good and the war has ended.This fic will be taken down if Tommy is uncomfortable with it or other fanfiction written about him.
Kudos: 9
Collections: Anonymous





	Peace But Full of Regret

**Author's Note:**

> Hey hi uh ok i've never used ao3 to write on before and i have no clue what i'm doing.  
>  I wrote this super quickly when i was really stressed and i'm kinda nervous to publish fanfiction about real people since even if its about roleplay not actually them. Remember that this isn't about the real content creator its just their character. Feel free to tell me how it sucked if you actually read this and also help me learn how to use this platform help I have no idea what i'm doing. Also sorry its very short i'm not good at writing long things.

Tommy was feeling a lot of guilt recently, well more than usual. The aftertaste of war always leaves a bitter feeling, too much time for reflection. I mean, deep down Tommy knows he shouldn't be making actions he'll come to regret but thinking things through isn't really his style.

Techno's axe feels heavy in his hand, like a chain wrapped around his arm pulling him down to hell. He doesn't even feel like it's real. Maybe it will slip through his fingers, maybe it will blow up his home after he stabs it in the back. Or maybe it will sit in his hands as the guilt of betrayal eats him alive. Painfully slow, with no one else to blame but himself for his fate.

During exile he felt like this a lot. Slightly numb yet full of too many feelings, exhausted and afraid. Tommy tries not to think about Dream but the fear of him always manages to find a way to creep back in. Staying with Techno was more of a distraction than a solution, any hope of him helping Tommy feel better in the long run was thrown out the window when he decided to side with Tubbo again. He doesn't think anyone really knows what happened in his exile other than Ghostbur, he hopes no one ever does, it wasn't important in the long run anyway.

In a sick sort of way Tommy misses the feeling of being at war, not that he will actually admit to that out of the fear of becoming like Wilbur near the end of his life. Conflict fills you with a determination like no other, it makes you feel safe in your choices no matter how harmful they actually are. Tommy never _enjoyed_ war obviously but at least during it you were far to busy to process what was actually happening.

Aftermaths, were and always will be the hardest part of conflict.

A large majority of the server still hate him. Tommy is still surprised Tubbo was so quick to forgive him after what he said. Deep down he knows it wasn't a deserved forgiveness but he doesn't know how to truly earn the real thing. His words and actions will always contradict, he's messy and impulsive. It will continue to hurt him in the end, Tommy knows it's only so long until Tubbo gets frustrated with him or until someone else he upset comes to get revenge. It hurts, but it's his fault. It could have been prevented if he tried.

These conflicts and relationships will follow the same pattern until the end of time, forever in a loop of betrayals, companionship and bitter unspoken feelings. Dream wont ever let the wars die, Tommy knows he feeds right into that. Some call that rebellion but most call it stupidity. Why rebel time and time again when you loose so much each time? Even the victory would never be worth the sacrifices made. Tommy has lost so much.

He wants to give up so badly, he wants the pain to end. He doesn't want to keep choosing different people, items or sides. Tommy wants the old L'manberg. He wants the fake idea of the free country he has in his head. Tommy wants the stupid drug van and the tiny black and yellow walls. He wants Tubbo obliviously spinning around in a circle to find Wilbur, the Tubbo that never even knew war. The Tubbo that didn't know the pain of being president. He wants the old Wilbur. The one who fought for freedom while still being sane and kind. Tommy's brother, his president.

He can't even delude himself to believe things could ever be like that again. Even if they were he wouldn't know how it would happen without consequences, he wouldn't have earnt it no matter the cost.

Tommy doesn't deserve the axe of peace but he keeps it. He wants to deserve it, he wants to be the kind of ~~friend~~ hero that gets to wield it. In reality Tommy just keeps it because he's selfish. He keeps it because he wants to cling to memories he'll never have, friends he chose to hurt. 

One day, Tommy will find the courage to return it.


End file.
